Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
We had to coat check the pizza.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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