Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Found your dick twin last night
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
