if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
