Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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