somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
she peed on how many people?
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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