goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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