I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
