I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
