I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
