if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
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