Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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