i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Randomize
