I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
When are your genitals available?
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
