I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
