just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Randomize
