thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
