i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
