Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
