Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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