the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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