My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
