I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
