I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
