You're my little dorito
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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