omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
