It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
