from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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