I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
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