those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize