I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
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