If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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