I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Randomize
