Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
