In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
