He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
