theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize