Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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