P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
