Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
