I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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