This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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