I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Randomize
