So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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