my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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