Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
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