I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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