In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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