Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
