So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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