Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
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