i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
i will never coherently bang her
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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