Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize