i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
