he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
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