I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
