New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
