When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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