At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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